Limbo

Since January, I have been running at full speed toward something.  Toward what? Not quite sure, but I know that for the first time in a very, very long time, I was feeling content.  I was busy, busy.  It wasn’t just a kill the time, idle busy though.  It was time that I was working purposefully and enjoying it.  I hit some major milestones and was feeling pretty good about the things that were going on in my life.  This is no small feat!

In January, I began my student teaching.  Within a few weeks, I was teaching all the classes and loving it.  My cooperating teacher was generous, trusting and wise.  She let me have her classes of kiddos completely…not an easy thing for a teacher.  She let me grow and develop.  She supported me along the way and was always willing to give what she knew and had away to me.  After school was busy with kids and their stuff and in the evenings along with the usual mom stuff, I would spend time planning for classes.  I felt like I had a direction.  I felt like I was in a place I was meant to be.  I felt part of a team again and felt less aimless at home.

Fast forward to the end of May and I am feeling that limbo again. Student teaching finished, my school finished, my big boy promoted from middle school, little one heading to second grade, another chapter is closed.  The problem is finding the next chapter.  I’m in a holding pattern.  Summer with the kiddos at home has just begun, but this is not really a new chapter, more like the chorus of a song…sometimes there is variation, but it is mostly the same.  The heat is starting to bake and I am feeling much less purposeful.  I am feeling in limbo.  I have to wait for final paper work to get my teacher certification.  I have to wait for final teacher placements to know if there is a place for me to teach.  I have to wait.  Granted I have plenty to do…the usual cleaning, decluttering, and keeping the boys from sitting on the computer all day…but I miss feeling purposeful.  I miss being a part of team.  I’m not sure when I’ll have those things again.  I’m not sure how things are going to work out.  I am mostly sure that they will work out, but how is the mystery, the limbo.

There’s this thing about summer too.  There’s that familiar longing for things that are long gone.  I find myself longing for things that were routine, but were never boring. Longing for the way things were, but I know I can’t go back.  Maybe limbo just leaves too much time for thought?  I like having more purpose when I think about things.  I don’t like being sad, but here I find myself, feeling sad again.  Those feelings of isolation and not belonging have crept back in with this limbo.  I find myself stuck in the funk again of missing what was while I’m waiting for what is next.  I’m not sure if it’s healthy reflection anymore…I don’t like it here.  I’ve had a taste of a life that feels better again and I’m less tolerant of limbo.

So, I’m trying not to slump back into sadness.  I’m remaining hopeful that things will work out…and work out soon!  I hope to find myself thriving again in this unexpected life…a miraculous thing that I truly thought would never be possible.  Now that I know it is very possible, it’s harder to sit in the limbo.