Searching for normal

I’m open to evolution, but resistant to change. How does that happen? I long to evolve, but fight actually doing it…

My heart remains open, but fearful.

My mind longs for stimulation and seeks it out, but lacks motivation to live it.

Just who would you be?

I think that’s what troubling me today. Just who would I be??? Oprah had Maria Shriver on her TV show and they are asking that question. Maria asked herself and then wrote a book about it. Why can’t we ask ourselves over and over? Why do we think we have answer this question one time when we’re very young? Why do we get stuck?

I got stuck. I got trapped. When my husband died I stopped. My life stopped. That was almost three years ago and today, thanks to Oprah and Maria, I’m asking myself “just who will I be?”  As I said before, I am very open to evolving.  It is just the change that I resist. Change happens.  Change is the only constant. Change is inescapable. Something awful happened to me…my husband became sick and died. I am forever changed…but changed into what…how have I evolved? Just who do I want to be? A widow? A single parent? A crazy lady?  All possible, but who and how will I evolve…not an easily answered question.  I’m getting frustrated with waiting to get there too. I wonder too…am I already there?

At times I feel invigorated and excited by the opportunity to start over…

Other times I am just plain angry that I can’t be my old, normal self.

I’ve been searching for normal since my husband died. The problem is that I don’t know what normal looks like anymore.  I don’t know just who I want to be. I know all the endings I’ve faced, but feel stuck waiting for the new beginnings to begin. I know I’m not his wife anymore, I know I’m not married anymore, I know I’m going to have to do the dishes tonight or they will sit until I do them. What I don’t know is what is in store for me and it is so hard to be patient. As the sadness of losing my husband becomes manageable it’s hard to patient to see where we are going and how all this will play out…just who I will be…

When change is thrust upon me it is only up to me to evolve or stay stuck. I choose evolution…don’t like the thought of it much, but I choose it. I have a light and I can’t hide it under the basket I know that much…but how will my light shine now?  How will the blessing of being a mourner transform me?  I open my heart, pray, and start another day. Maybe that’s who I’ll be…a survivor.  I’ve been to Grief Island and made it through the muck and come out a winner???  Will my broken heart evolve to a heart willing to love again and will I be brave enough to change?

Originally published in April 2008 for the Journal of Student Ministries @ http://www.thejournalofstudentministries.com/blogs/56/Searching-for-normal.html

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