My stock is down

My stock is down. Over the years, I have invested. I thought I had made wise choices. It seems that I had put too much effort into one stock. Now that stock has bottomed out and I am left with the only the other stock that remains…and in those, I thought they were wise choices, but they haven’t paid off. I have spent my time investing in the wrong places. What now?

In my life, there are many places I didn’t fit. Their have been few places I felt I truly belong. One of those places was with Dave. Our relationship was so primary to me. I didn’t know that losing it would leave me so empty and wanting to belong. When Dave died, my safe place, my best friend, my pal…and many more things disappeared.

I wouldn’t call myself one of those women who lived life around her husband…the earth didn’t revolve around him…I didn’t think. I had friends, good friends…I thought. I had friends that I went to coffee with, worked with, spoke to daily, prayed with, and raised my kids with….

I had a job…a career…

I had hobbies…

My focus had always been my family though and we enjoyed each others company. Family time was high on our list of priorities…but I had other things.

When Dave died, my stock bottomed out. Most of the wise thought I had put into surrounding myself and my family with good, honest, trustworthy people seemed like folly. The people left us. My daily friends, many of the women that I trusted with my daily life ran away. This left me feeling like my time and energy was not wisely invested. How could I have chosen such shallow people to surround me? How could the people that I trusted most be the first ones on the bus out of my life?

I had invested too much in my primary relationship….the relationship in my life where I truly felt loved and that I belonged. My relationship with Dave had been my true investment over the years and the others just kept me busy. Was I wrong to have such a relationship with my husband? I don’t think so, but now it is so hard to survive. My jealousy of others who have these “best friends” these circles of women whom they travel, play, live their lives with has peaked. My best friend is gone and no one can take his place and no one even wants to contend…maybe I should have diversified.

In choosing friends, I always tried not to take the neediest of folk…because my primary priority was my family.  Dave and I and the kids did most of our social stuff with each other. Spare time was spent with husband and sons…now it’s just me and sons…no soul mate, no friend to share the joy and sorrow with…leaving me in a place where I think I will never have that again.  People will disagree with me…but I don’t know if I’m willing to invest again…knowing me, I’ll make the same mistakes again. This can only lead to heartbreak as the risk of loving usually does.

If I could do it all again, would I choose differently? Probably not – I would choose him even if I knew it would be short time…he loved me for who I was, he saw me for who I was and still loved me. He was the one I giggled with, fought with, grocery shopped with, hung out with, was most intimate with…now I find that there is no one to fill the spot. I am so sad about that. I want to belong, I want to have someone who loves me and doesn’t judge me. Maybe I’m not like that so finding him was just lucky. Maybe I’ve surrounded myself with people like me and I’m just shallow and judgmental and he was just a fluke.

I really thought they were friends. I really believed them when they said they’d be here for us. I really “wanted” to believe I had built more than fair weather friends.

So my daily people that I counted on disappeared in the flurry of loss and grief but others arose to walk the path with me. They were unafraid to stand by me and not know what to say. They were brave enough to look me in the face and see my tears and emptiness. They are few, but they are there. Maybe the few turn out to be the more valuable stock. Maybe as in most things…it isn’t the quantity that matters but the quality. Maybe these people were flukes too and I’m just lucky to have a few more flukes in my life. They aren’t Dave and will never replace that relationship in my life, but they’re still here. They didn’t retreat in the face of change and despair. They called when they could and didn’t try to change me or my pain. They were just there. They were a phone call with a compassionate voice on the other line. They came with a hug when hugs were very sparse. They came with a smile that many times came with tears.  They were unafraid of pain and sorrow and they trusted in my ability to face my own.

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