perservere and endure

per-ser-vere – To persist in a purpose, an idea, or a task in the face of obstacles or discouragement.

en-dure – 1. To carry on through despite hardships, undergo. 2. To bear with tolerance: endure the consequences.

To persevere and endure are to concepts that are a big part of my life since my husband’s death. It is really the only way I know how to exist anymore.  Days are not the way they were when he was alive.  There is a joy lacking in my daily existence.  People around me may say that is my responsibility to find that joy again.  The way I see it is different I think.  For every day I make it through, I find victory.  I have endured another day.  I have persevered and taken another step toward my continued healing.  My loss is so enormous to me!  Not everyone sees it that way.  Many think I should move on (whatever that means?) but I’m pretty happy to be able to endure day to day.  Life is empty without my husband.  I go through the motions of day to day life, but I still miss him, his support, his humor, his smile and so many more things every day.

Each day for me is filled with things that I used to look forward to in the morning.  Now they feel empty and stressful.  Handling my life by myself is sad for me.  I liked being part of a team.  I liked having someone else to share my day with every night.  I liked having someone to joke around with – who actually thought I was funny – my kids totally don’t get me!  A day shared with my husband was a day worth sharing for me.  Now, I am sad that he is not here to joke around and share my day with every night.

I have friends and family, but let’s face it, they have their own lives – they have their own family and people to share their day with every night…sometimes there is just not room in their lives for me…and that is fine…but for me it is something I endure.

I endure waking up alone in the quiet morning.  I persevere when financial and work stress is mine alone to handle.  I endure when my children fight with each other and think I’m a bad mom for not letting them have that sweet treat before dinner. I persevere when my car breaks, my sinks leak, or there are just too many tasks for one grown up to handle.  I endure when I get into bed alone at the end of an exhausting day.

This is my life for now – persevering and enduring – until it passes and becomes something new and more hopeful.  I endure.  I hope for joy to return and recapture a time when I feel loved again.  I look to a time and hope for that days will be less of something to endure and be something to enjoy and share.

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