As I sit gazing at my emptied Christmas tree that is waiting for me to drag it out to the ally for its final trip to the dump, I am glad to say goodbye to another holiday season. Along with that, I am again struck by the thoughts and hopes for a new year. Resolutions? No, not really, just hopes and thoughts of how I will be new this year – 2010 – how will my life change this year?
It will be 5 years this spring since Dave died. Every year has brought new challenges and changes that make me who I am today as I put these words on paper. Every year I try to be hopeful that this will be the year that I begin to forget my pain. Will this be the year that I begin to feel whole and happy again? Every year I hope and I change and assume that I am one year closer to who I am to become. I know one thing, I have made it through another holiday season and that is a triumph each and every year. Actually, every day that I manage I find the success of surviving something that I thought would take me down and out forever.
Over the last few nights, I have been watching bits and pieces of PBS’s This Emotional Life (see links to check it out). It is fascinating. One of the points it makes – that we are built for relationships – has been rolling around inside my soul since I heard it the other night. I know that is how I’m built. I am so much happier being part of a team or a group. I enjoy my solitude, but I shine when working with others. I must say that it is this teamwork, this relationship that I had with my husband that has left the biggest hole in my life. I am happier in relationship. I feel more worthy perhaps?? I think it’s basic – that when we have a partner, they reflect back to us a picture, perhaps meaning, to what and why we exist – as we do for them. We shine the light on their/our good points and what needs work and that place of trust and reflection fills our, really my, basic need to be loved, to belong, to be a part of something bigger than me.
So as I look at the emptied Christmas tree, I hope. I hope that the beginning of this year finds me emptied out and ready to receive. The tree is bare, but still lovely. The tree still casts its fresh scent throughout my home. I hope the 2010 finds me casting my love and a spirit of joy throughout my home and beyond. I hope to be beautiful in my raw, essential self and able to grow, change and continue to risk. I hope to embrace the fact that I have been loved and lucky to shine once and that I will shine again – maybe this year.