Since my husband’s death, something has been missing – obviously – him and all that means to me, but there is something else missing too. I’ve been living with this sense of lack in my life. Again, there is the obvious – I don’t have a husband, a lover, a best friend, a partner anymore but there is more – I don’t feel joyful. I don’t feel abundance in my life like I did before he died. I really felt lucky before, blessed, like God’s goodness had touched my life and I was lucky enough or awake enough to recognize it. This does not mean life was perfect. Life is never perfect. My life was blessed. I felt blessed.
So over the past five years, I have been trying to overcome this “not” feeling blessed anymore. I’m still blessed. I have two beautiful children who are healthy and energetic. I have a home, food, water, friends and am healthy most days. I still feel the lack though. I have been more immersed in feeling that life is lacking lately more than ever.
Six months ago, I left my full time job. For the first several years after his death, I didn’t work at all. I had a six month old baby and my six year old son and my grief to deal with-not to mention all that life entails and now I was a single parent too. After several years I found a job that I really thought would work well, but it didn’t. The full time hours were too much and my kids were struggling. I was struggling to keep my head above water mentally, physically and emotionally. I felt good to be able to have a regular income again, but exhausted every day. The boys were with other people the majority of their days. Eight hours or more with someone else raising my children. I don’t like that and we (Dave and I) made such an effort not to that when he was alive. I felt like I was letting everyone down…I was lacking the will to “do it all”.
I left that job. I made a thoughtful choice with my family and our values as the priority. I don’t regret the choice and would do it again. The problem of coarse is that all choices have consequences – good and not so good. One of the consequences of my choice to leave full time employment is that the financial instability that I was trying to stave off by working full time has come to full fruition since my choice to be more fully present to my children. Is that good, is that bad? Who knows? It just is and along with my growing financial instability came my growing fear and sense of lack. It is just that – fear – I let my fear get in the way. That fear that I let run around in my head manifests in my feelings of lack and feelings of failure. When I get in my head and push them out – or at least into the dark corners – I do feel better and can witness the abundance in my life. When I feel lack, I can reprogram my thinking toward gratitude for the abundance in my life.
This week more than most, I can be grateful for many things. After witnessing the suffering of natural disaster, not only is my sense of lack relative, it is almost ridiculous. After having the suffering of the people of Haiti brought to my consciousness, I can again see the gifts and abundance filling me and around me. With this, I hope I can begin to spill out again, give and serve others from my soul again because I am filled with gratitude. We can only give what we are filled with-I’ve been giving, serving with sadness. It is time for that to change and reprogram. Hopefully, through this self reprograming – I will be renewed and hopefully – brought back to feeling that joy again.