just a few pictures…

Ok, now I know I just wrote about how I am learning to transcend a sense of lack, but again today, I am faced with anger about our loss.  It started quite simply. I just looked at some pictures on a facebook friend’s page.  Her kids are the same age as my oldest boy. They were in school together for several years, but now we go to another school.  I was looking at some of the pictures of her kids.  Simple really, one playing sports and the other participating in a scout activity and it hit me in the face – my kids are more disadvantaged than I even realized.  I know the immediate disadvantages –not having dad here on a daily basis. What I haven’t quite acknowledged yet is the rippling effect of not having two parents and the things that they miss out on because I’m me and have so much trouble dealing with all this.  Simple really – a sport my son would probably been playing if our trajectory hadn’t changed so drastically when Dave died.  A scout troop he’d been a part of but we resigned because we couldn’t make the camp trips and the outings because he had a single mom with a baby at home.  This new wave is sending a new crack through my heart.  I knew there would be things down the road, but didn’t really comprehend how my decisions through my grief would leave them both disadvantaged along the way.  I really thought I was doing my best…but seeing those simple pictures, I realize my best isn’t really that good.  My best is crippling and taking away joy from my children’s lives.  How do I deal with that? I want to scream, but I’ve done that before and no one hears.  How am I going to live with myself as they continue to grow and miss out because I can’t be mom and dad – I can hardly provide for them – and it is only me.  How do I do this?

I don’t have the solution.  I struggle everyday. I want compassionate, loving children.  I want that to live in their souls, but looking at some of the things my son’s peers have experienced I feel so inadequate.  I don’t like to compare, but do sometimes and this one has really hit me in the face. I struggle everyday. How can I build a life for my children so they don’t have to struggle so much– it is just so unfair to them.  We live this life hoping for our children to be happy and healthy and I just can’t be sure that I am providing an environment for this to happen.  My loss, the death of my husband, has deeply changed me – of course, but not in any good ways.  I might look ok on the outside, but in the core of my being it just plain sucks. Now I just see two small pictures and that sense of lack, the fear of disadvantage for my children is overwhelming.

I know that this too will pass – but I will wonder at what cost to us – emotionally, spiritually and physically.  I know that we will survive, because we do everyday.  I know that even though my heart is breaking, there is someone else on this planet that is in more pain.  I pray for strength.  I pray for courage.  I pray for hope – I hope that this life will be filled with the love that my children deserve.  I pray that one day they will forgive me and understand how deeply I was affected by the loss of their dad and the loss of that love in my life. I hope they will know that I always love them and that somehow that will make up for all the camping trips, games, outings, play dates, opportunity and fun they missed.

Someday.

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