Getting better guilt

Today I read an article about love and fear of success and it got me thinking.  Getting and feeling better after losing a spouse is a tricky thing.  The tricky part – as you heal, you leave that part of your life behind – not forgotten mind you, but you move further and further away from who you were.  Change is never easy.  Change when you leave the person you loved so dearly behind…even more difficult.  There is still such a huge part of me that wants to be Dave’s wife…which I guess I’ll always be, but how can I move on with this title?  It definitely doesn’t compel me to move into the world where I might meet another person, nor does it compel me to take the proper care of myself to be desirable again to the general public.  I would love to be successful again in a relationship with someone new, but am fearful of betraying my love lost…a pretty common feeling for folks in my position…I think.

If I can actually pull off being successful in several areas of my life, does that mean that I didn’t need my husband?  I struggle everyday with the many roles I play – parent, breadwinner, woman, friend – and most days I feel like I can’t balance them all.  My priority is parent, but so much more comes with that…so many plates to keep spinning!  When I tried to add a plate of full time, meaningful work…I started dropping other plates.  I had to choose which plates to keep spinning and “parent” plate beat “career” plate for me.  Another way of thinking could be that I was afraid to branch out and be successful at both, so I quit and dropped the career plate.

I hate to tout the balance idea to much, but how much does our/my feeling of balance equate with my fear and love for success.  When Dave was alive it was easier to balance.  When Dave was alive we shared the responsibility and success.  We shared the fears and love for success.  That made it easier for me, but maybe I was relying on him too much…who knows.  What I do know now is that I am fearing being successful without him.  I know that I long to have the successes in my life that show that I am a survivor, but surviving means leaving my life that I miss so much behind me.  Do I know that I may get lucky and be happier than I’ve ever been? Sure, that’s my greatest fear!  Do I know that all that he would ever want for me and his boys is that we are truly happy? Sure.  Would I love that? Probably, but my getting better, my happy, my balance, my fear and love for success are only mine now…not shared for now…and that makes me sad.  Along with sad, comes guilt, anger and all those other feelings that I mix up with love now.  Will I overcome it? Probably…but for now, I’ll admit it’s here and do my best to move this obstacle out of the way.  I’ll say it out loud, face it and try with all my courage to move further away from the man, the life, the existence I loved.

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