time, time, time

Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won’t you stop and remember me
At any convenient time

Hazy Shade of Winter, Simon and Garfunkel

Time, time, time…

I think one of the hardest concepts for me is “time heals all pain”.  As time passes, I don’t really feel more healed, but perhaps, more balanced, more control of my heartache, but healed…I’m still waiting hopefully. Time is a funny, funny strange not funny ha ha, thing when someone you love dies. It moves so slowly at times and then before you know it, years have passed and I sit…still not knowing what to do or how to recover or even how to stop the pain at times.

Does that mean I’ve done nothing in these years? No way. I’ve been working and moving and trying to find my new way. I’ve been trying to find a way that I can live without him. I live life, care for my kids, look for jobs, really look for anything that can help me feel like I’m healing. In moments when I think I’m doing it…healing…something comes forward to me and takes me back to my pain.

This week my kids started school.  I love the start of school. My youngest is starting kindergarten…he was only six months old when his dad died.  It is quite a feat! I have gotten my baby to school. I have done it! I feel pride in him, in myself, in all of us for how far we’ve come.

It’s times like this, moments of change, growth, and joy that bring the flood of remembering.  Any moments of success are bittersweet reminders that I am surviving something, that I am not healed.  These moments are always filled with the what if’s for me.  The questions – how would we be different? I am filled with sorrow that my family is broken and we miss him so much. I miss his smile. I miss his comfort and sense of humor. I wonder what we’d be talking about as we leave our baby at kindergarten for the first time and watch our big boy go off to junior high.

So for me, time does move on, going forward into a future I do not know. Time keeps moving me farther from who I was with him to who I am without him. I compare, I cry, I long for easier times again. I long for him to be at my side. Many days I wish time would stand still so I can catch my breath. Some times, some rare times, I do this…I catch my breath and I see how far we’ve come. I catch my breath and see all that has changed in my life, for better or for worse. I catch my breath and look to see if I’m healed…

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5 thoughts on “time, time, time

  1. amy says:

    This article was beautiful and thoughtful.

    This was one of my favorite albums growing up. I dug out the vinyl copy to review the words of the song. I have thought about the meaning of time and healing. They are relative terms. It is all in the perspective.

    I was thinking this week before I got this post, that even though it has been very hot, the trees are beginning to show a start of color and beginning to loose leaves. I do not want the fall to come. It means that it takes me farther away from Larry. Mother nature does not give us that allowance. Time keeps moving even if our minds and hearts do not want to continue on.
    I transferred title of Larry’s car in my name Friday. I feel guilty, sad and it took alot to move to the secretaries of state office to do it, plus the tears after it was done. Larry’s baby, “Mr. Black,” the corvette is now in my name.

    • cmt says:

      oh Amy. Such a hard process. I had to put Dave’s 63 Lincoln Continental in my name and it still doesn’t seem right. The stinkin’ Lincoln was so much his car. All those details-I remember how painful they were. Also painful…when you finish with those details and all his stuff is done…like another death. Such truth to “time waits for no one”. I wish it would stop many days. It’s so hard to move so far away from when Dave walked the planet with me.

  2. Love your site. I too am a recent widow. I really don’t think other people know how hard it is to go on. I write in my blog my struggles for acceptance of my loss, and believe it or not can find humor in some of the struggles.

    If you would like to link to my site maybe it could give even more insight to others that may be going through a loss.

  3. carolyn says:

    I’m new here, just leapfrogged over from some other widowy place. My husband Jeff died of colon cancer in July 2009, midway between our only child’s high school graduation and when she left for college. One of the things that really gets to me is seeing our other friends, couples, who now are just 2 in the house now when their kids are away at school. Getting to know and appreciate each other all over again. And we didn’t get to have that; it is just me in the house alone.
    Loved your thank you letter to cancer. I’d gladly be less enlightened if I could only have my husband back, but I have surely learned a lot more about kindness, patience, abiding, letting go in the last few years.

    • cmt says:

      Carolyn,
      Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine losing my husband as my children were going out of my home. It must be difficult. I have also felt anger about not having “golden years” with my husband. Right before my husband died, we traveled to Hawaii. Everywhere I looked there were couples, old and young, my heart broke most when I saw the older couples together and I knew that wouldn’t be our story. Even today, I still try to remind myself of the grace of the time we did have when my anger and sadness bubbles up to the top.
      Please take care and be gentle with yourself.
      Chris

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