Ahhh, seasons change with the scenery
Weaving time in a tapestry
Won’t you stop and remember me
At any convenient time
Hazy Shade of Winter, Simon and Garfunkel
Time, time, time…
I think one of the hardest concepts for me is “time heals all pain”. As time passes, I don’t really feel more healed, but perhaps, more balanced, more control of my heartache, but healed…I’m still waiting hopefully. Time is a funny, funny strange not funny ha ha, thing when someone you love dies. It moves so slowly at times and then before you know it, years have passed and I sit…still not knowing what to do or how to recover or even how to stop the pain at times.
Does that mean I’ve done nothing in these years? No way. I’ve been working and moving and trying to find my new way. I’ve been trying to find a way that I can live without him. I live life, care for my kids, look for jobs, really look for anything that can help me feel like I’m healing. In moments when I think I’m doing it…healing…something comes forward to me and takes me back to my pain.
This week my kids started school. I love the start of school. My youngest is starting kindergarten…he was only six months old when his dad died. It is quite a feat! I have gotten my baby to school. I have done it! I feel pride in him, in myself, in all of us for how far we’ve come.
It’s times like this, moments of change, growth, and joy that bring the flood of remembering. Any moments of success are bittersweet reminders that I am surviving something, that I am not healed. These moments are always filled with the what if’s for me. The questions – how would we be different? I am filled with sorrow that my family is broken and we miss him so much. I miss his smile. I miss his comfort and sense of humor. I wonder what we’d be talking about as we leave our baby at kindergarten for the first time and watch our big boy go off to junior high.
So for me, time does move on, going forward into a future I do not know. Time keeps moving me farther from who I was with him to who I am without him. I compare, I cry, I long for easier times again. I long for him to be at my side. Many days I wish time would stand still so I can catch my breath. Some times, some rare times, I do this…I catch my breath and I see how far we’ve come. I catch my breath and see all that has changed in my life, for better or for worse. I catch my breath and look to see if I’m healed…