There was the boy who thought I had pretty hands. There was the boy who danced in the street with me. There was the boy I met at golf class. There were the boys that I worked with, studied with and met when I was out at night. There seemed to be an abundance of boys/men when I was young. I was really a serial monogamist. I had one long term relationship after another. I never really dated more than one boy at a time. I even got married once and it didn’t work. When I got married the second time, it seemed to work so well. All the years, all the looking and longing were finished. We had found each other and after several years together decided that we wanted each other enough to marry, enough to build a family. We loved each other enough.
I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I felt very grateful for my life. I felt blessed to have survived one not very good marriage and be able to risk marrying again. I felt loved. I felt wanted. I felt like that was it…
Then my husband got sick. Unfortunately it was the sick you can’t get better from…only die from…
So, here I am. This is the longest period that I can remember that I’ve spent without a man in my life. As I mentioned, I’m a serial monogamist. I move from one relationship to the next, but, not this time. There’s no one to blame for the end of my relationship. There’s no anger. We still loved each other, but we had to part. He had to go. There were no choices. He’s moved on to “the better place” shall we say, while I am still here in this place. In this place there is loneliness, longing and hoping.
But, I’d been all through it. I’d found my one. How do you go back from “the one”? How do you re-enter the world of looking for love again when you still are in love? I don’t have the answer to that. How can something that seemed so easy when I was young feel so terrifying now? I want to hope for someone new, but am terrified about what that means. Then add that I have two children and the anti goes up even higher.
I think as the holiday season approaches the aloneness seems amplified. I don’t know if I’m actually seeing more couples around or if it’s just because of the holidays that I notice them more. On normal, non holiday type days or weeks, I feel I cope better with my loneliness. What is it that makes this time of year so much harder? Why does it matter so much more as the weather begins to chill that I crawl into my bed alone each night?
Again, I must go back to being grateful. I think that amplification of my loneliness comes from knowing love well. I think that crawling into bed alone is hard now because I know the comfort of crawling into bed with some one who loves me. It is the gratitude of knowing I was loved that will help me to recognize love again when it comes around for me. It is the gratitude of knowing that I have faced my demons, my grief, my struggles head on that assure me that I will be ready with an open heart if some one new wants to give me a chance.