OK, I know that widowy isn’t a word, but it is a description of how I feel today. Widowy isn’t quite full on sadness. Widowy is more like melancholy. My grief, my sadness blows around me like a gentle breeze. It’s a breeze that I notice, but it’s not the hurricane force of grief that can throw me to the ground. Widowy for me is kind of sweet and sad all together.
Here in Arizona, the weather is cold, but beautiful these days. In the end of January and early February the events begin that make us the tourist trap we love so dearly. The car auctions, the golf, the culinary festivals and spring training attract those from the freezing weather and turn our cities into heaven for some. My husband and I always enjoyed this time of year. We enjoyed the events and living as tourists in our own city. There is so much to do each weekend. A few stolen weekdays to run off to watch golf or catch a midday movie were such a delight from the daily grind. It just feels like playtime around here and it’s hard not to partake in the fun.
Now, without him, I don’t often partake in the fun I used to enjoy so much. There is so much work to be done and honestly, it’s just not that fun without him. The kids don’t always like the stuff we used to do and it’s just different with only me. So, here I sit feeling widowy. The superbowl is tonight. I love the superbowl. Since Dave’s death, there is always that horrible pang in my heart…I just miss him.
So, widowy is here today. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. I can put on the face I wear everyday. The face that reminds me I’m a survivor of great heart ache. It is the face that I bravely wear because I have known great joy, great love and great times. Even though all that greatness is behind me for now, I know and am so grateful to have had it. So as I sit here feeling all widowy, I am grateful to have the memories that bring that widowy feeling to me.