Feeling widowy…

OK, I know that widowy isn’t a word, but it is a description of how I feel today. Widowy isn’t quite full on sadness. Widowy is more like melancholy.  My grief, my sadness blows around me like a gentle breeze. It’s a breeze that I notice, but it’s not the hurricane force of grief that can throw me to the ground.  Widowy for me is kind of sweet and sad all together.

Here in Arizona, the weather is cold, but beautiful these days.  In the end of January and early February the events begin that make us the tourist trap we love so dearly.  The car auctions, the golf, the culinary festivals and spring training attract those from the freezing weather and turn our cities into heaven for some.  My husband and I always enjoyed this time of year.  We enjoyed the events and living as tourists in our own city.  There is so much to do each weekend. A few stolen weekdays to run off to watch golf or catch a midday movie were such a delight from the daily grind.  It just feels like playtime around here and it’s hard not to partake in the fun.

Now, without him, I don’t often partake in the fun I used to enjoy so much.  There is so much work to be done and honestly, it’s just not that fun without him.  The kids don’t always like the stuff we used to do and it’s just different with only me. So, here I sit feeling widowy.  The superbowl is tonight. I love the superbowl. Since Dave’s death, there is always that horrible pang in my heart…I just miss him.

So, widowy is here today. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. I can put on the face I wear everyday.  The face that reminds me I’m a survivor of great heart ache.  It is the face that I bravely wear because I have known great joy, great love and great times.  Even though all that greatness is behind me for now, I know and am so grateful to have had it.  So as I sit here feeling all widowy, I am grateful to have the memories that bring that widowy feeling to me.


2 thoughts on “Feeling widowy…

  1. amy says:

    widowy- Friday was 10 months since Larry died.
    I cannot believe it has been that long and yet it seems forever. I \ have been missing and thinking of him so much this week. He is with me and here, but in a different way. I had a dream last night. It was so real- I asked him, how can you be here? Reflecting, I have found comfort through my tears- all paradoxes I do not understand.But it is true and Larry did come to me last night.
    This grieving is a very strange process. Yet, I know that his visit in my dream will give me strength and help to go forward.
    blessings and hugs
    take a moment to breathe and give thanks for all the good moments. They are with us forever.

    • cmt says:

      Amy – I love those dream visits! They are so real. The last one I had, I told myself to wake up so I wouldn’t miss him and when I woke up, the room was so cold and empty. I’m so glad Larry is close by you. I can’t believe it’s 10 months for you either. This April will be six years since Dave walked the earth…I still can’t believe he’s gone. Be gentle with yourself my friend.

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