The night my husband died one of the things that remains fixed in my memory is that I couldn’t get Pearl Jam’s song Last Kiss out of my head. I hummed it to myself that night until the sun rose. Dave died at around 11pm. After all was done and they took my husband’s lifeless body out of my home, the song entered my mind. I hummed and sang it for several days. That night, after I left our home and went to my parents, I swear I could see him just through the window, looking in at me as I sang the song…
I heard the song many years ago and it was already a fixture in my grief journey prior to losing my husband. I was a youth minister for many years. In my second year of ministry, one of the girls from my first year confirmation class was killed in an auto accident. That same spring, Pearl Jam released Last Kiss. It was so appropriate at the time. She was killed on prom night by a drunk driver. The other teens were devastated. It was so tragic. I was devastated. The song is burned into my soul.
I don’t know why it came to me that night my husband died. It may be because I had felt such heartache when that sweet girl was killed and now my heart was broken again in a new way.
So, today is Valentine’s Day. Not my first without my husband. It has been nearly six years since his death, making this my fifth Valentine’s alone. We never made a big deal about Valentine’s Day. Even though we didn’t make a big deal it’s a bit of a deal without him. I don’t really think of it in terms of me anymore, but in terms of getting my kids ready for classroom celebrations. I don’t fit into Valentine’s Day anymore at all.
This afternoon, I got into my car alone to go get my kids at school. Last Kiss was the first song to play on the radio. Tears welled up in my eyes and I remembered what it felt like to be loved and special to someone and to miss someone so much…as the song says, “I lost my love, my life, that night.”
I felt like Dave was sending me a message. I felt like I was being reminded that he did love me and that it did all exist. As I listened to the song, I glanced at the car next to me and it had a simple Batman sticker in the center of the tailgate – my husband always wore these t-shirts with super hero logos…Batman, Superman, Green Lantern. Simple coincidence, sure, maybe. Also, just another reminder of him within the first reminder. Then, after Last Kiss ended, on came Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down…another super hero reference…all in about 2 minutes time.
Silly little things that mean nothing to anybody else but me…and him.
Silly little things that remind me of my love.
Silly little things that remind me on Valentine’s Day that not only do I still love him, but that I am loved through the dimensions and for eternity too.