It seems like one of my main struggles since my husband’s death is motivation. I really have to push myself and dig deep into my soul to find motivation that used to be innate for me. From the outside looking in, it might not look like I need motivating…I am a sole parent on duty 24/7, I’m now working outside the home full time, I am working on my master’s degree, keep my home running with all that entails and I write too. But from inside my being, I must fight very hard to do any of these things. I don’t mean to whine, but for me there’s not a whole lot of reward in it anymore.
When Dave was alive, I did things for us. I did things for me and I did things for our children. Now, most of what I do is for my children. I’m not really that self motivated anymore. I don’t just do things because I enjoy them. I pretty much do things because I need to -for basic survival. I need to work. I need to go to school, because I am falling woefully behind financially and need to boost my income level. I feed, clothe, care, and do my best with my children…I love them dearly, but I don’t think they think that…because, well, I’m not that much fun. All work and no play has made Chris a very dull girl.
Here’s the rub though – I really can’t buy into fun that much anymore. I had a pretty great life and I bought into it fully and then BAM! That life was gone. The joy, the motivation, the love that I felt surrounded by evaporated before my very eyes. Do I laugh with my kids? Sure. Do I play with my kids like I used to? Not really. Fun is not something I engage in easily anymore…I am overwhelmed nearly every minute by what isn’t finished, thoughts of how will I catch up and how will I ever do this for one more day never stop running through my mind.
I try to let these thoughts and my lack of motivation float through my mind and exit quickly. They are not productive thoughts. They are thoughts that remind me how different life is and it’s not really going to get easier anytime soon. I search daily, digging deeply, to find motivation. In my past life, I was so grateful everyday that I wanted to get up and give back. I wanted to be a servant leader who gave time and energy to those around me because I knew I was cared for, I was fortunate. Now, my grief, my struggle, my own pain can hide my gratitude and camouflage it in self pity and fear. I know that I still have much to be grateful for, but many days my hurt and anger hides it from me.
Today I’m digging and feeling like the hole is just getting deeper and not producing anything worth while. Today, I’m digging and only my sadness is rushing out of the well I’ve created. Today, I am sad, I am worried, I am alone.
Tomorrow, however, will be different. I know that in the very the depths of the hole I’ve dug for myself that it will be different tomorrow…how do I know this? Because, I’ve mined here before…I’ve dug deeply before and come up empty handed…it’s just one of those things. Some digging produces great riches, some digging only produces dust and muck. So for today, I’m going to put down my shovel and try not to let the grief overcome me. Tomorrow, I will pick up the shovel again, face my fears and start digging for the life I have been looking for since Dave’s death. It is a life where I see and feel my loss, my emptiness, but it doesn’t bury my dreams, my motivation, my spark. It is a day when gratitude and hope prevail.