Open hearts…

The sixth anniversary of my husband’s death is right around the corner. I’m wondering tonight about open hearts. Open hearts are soft, ready to be shaped by love. They are ready for moments of joy, ready to let go of pain.  I have an open heart.  My only problem is that my heart is only open from time to time – it is no longer open regularly.

There have been moments throughout the six years that have passed, when I have felt ready.  I feel ready to open my heart and ponder the possibility of someone else to love.  Fleeting moments when I believe in my bones that I will be able to love someone again.  These moments pass though.  They come and they go.

Then I remember the love I had.  It was not easy to come by…it was a long road to find him.  Many men, one previous marriage…and then, only then did we find each other.  It seems so random.  It seems so infrequent. Can it really happen again?

When I think of my life, well, my young before him life…I see relationships with others that didn’t work.  They all had their moments, but they weren’t the one.  They weren’t the one that stopped me in my tracks. They weren’t the ones that really understood me and loved me anyway.  There were some good ones, some bad ones and even some that I thought were keepers.  Then there he was.  It was like I knew it deep, deep down in my very essence.  It took me along time to find him. How can I ever even think that opening my heart could lead to someone else who would love me?

Here’s the thing though…I’m a relationship person.  I like being part of a team.  Right now, I’m team leader for my kids and I, but don’t share the teamwork that much with them….it’s a different type of team being parent and kids.  It’s just not the same as being with someone…does that make sense?

I want my heart to open.  I want to be loved and love someone again. I want to feel, to know another in an intimate way and have them feel and know me…ya know?  I miss that.  I’ve been doing my work.  I’ve been working hard on healing hearts and souls. I want to share my heart again, no matter how broken it may be.  I guess the question is will I have the courage to do it again.  Will I be able to give it all when I know I can lose it all in an instant?  Will someone be able to love me knowing I will always love him? I won’t love them less, but he will always be a part of who I am.

Open hearts are soft hearts, ready to be shaped and by love.  Love that is new, love that is old, love that is joyful, love that is cracks it open and breaks it…but most of all, open hearts are willing to love again.

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2 thoughts on “Open hearts…

  1. rob says:

    A huge thank you. Your writings have and continue to allow me to have my heart and eyes opened and to try and understand (to the extent one who has not endured a loss such as yours might understand) the complexities of loss and grief. One I care greatly for suffered a loss of her husband 6 years ago this April. Even though life sent us in different directions, I at least have a better understanding of the constant struggles. Thank you. Trust your open soft heart.

  2. Amy says:

    chris
    This post touched me. I have thought and prayed for you. I have no words to give you comfort. But know that I pray that your heart will be open to love again, though Dave is always with you.

    I am continually made aware of the paradoxes of life. Because we love, we deeply experience the absence of those we love, however, Henri Nouwen states that “precisely at moments of great loss we can discover a new sense of closeness and intimacy.”
    Life is movement. Our solidarity gives us strength and courage when we have none.
    You are a blessing in my life and I bless you.
    hugs and love
    amy

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