For my children…

Being a parent is such a challenging experience. I wear my heart outside my body every moment…because you are my heart walking, living and breathing everyday. Being a single parent was a role I never imagined would be mine.  I love being a parent. I love you both and have waited all my life to be your mom. When I first laid eyes on each of you, I knew you would be the loves of my life.  What I didn’t expect is the heartache I experience as I watch you navigate the world without your dad.

Being a single parent wasn’t part of my plan and I know being fatherless wasn’t part of yours.  I remember your eyes, your smiles and your joy when you were around your dad.  Even you my little one, when you were a baby you had a special connection with your dad.  It was like you knew your time together would be short and you made the most of it.  It was your dad’s most heartbreaking moments when he had to think of leaving you both.  He didn’t expect to love being a dad so much. He didn’t expect all the love and joy you would bring to him.  He didn’t expect to leave you so soon.

As I move into the world of “mom of a teenager” I know it has been challenging for all of us.  So many years, I imagined our lives when our family was older.  My years in youth ministry really had me looking forward to your junior high and high school years. Now as we enter our 13th year together, I know it doesn’t look like those dreams I once had.  I also know that although it looks different, it doesn’t kill my dreams. I want to guide you through these years hoping and helping you become the loving being God created you to be.  I will always relish the thoughts of who you will become and I look forward to and am so grateful to be a part of your lives.

Here’s the thing though…well, maybe it’s a problem I have.  I am feeling woefully inadequate as a parent.  I am not the parent I was when your dad was alive.  There is so much on my plate that I fear I will miss precious moments of the journey.  I worry I will not bring the joy I once had to your life.  I am concerned that because my load is so heavy, you will be bitter and your hearts may chill.  That would break my heart. So I want you to know that every day, I do my best.  I wear as much joy as I can and try to dress myself in “it will be ok”.  The other thing is that I really, really still miss your dad and sometimes I get really angry that he’s gone.  Sometimes, I think that anger comes out at you and that breaks my heart too.  None of us asked for this journey – who would? But none the less, it is our journey.  Today, I want to let you know that I am glad to have you to share it with me.  Without you I surely would have faded into background of life.  Both of you have been motivation for healing, wellness and my continual search for joy.

I want you both to have happy childhoods, teenage years and adult lives.  I want you to know your dad and I love you with all our hearts. I want you to know that I will always try harder, work harder, and get up another day because of you.  Your dad and I may have been part of giving you life, but you have saved mine.  I hope when you look back you see that we did our best on our journey and we still were able to love and be joyful.  I hope I can look back and not have missed it all because I had to do it alone.

My love for you can never be measured in this world.  Your dad’s love for you is a bond that will never leave you.  Thank you for being the living, breathing reminder every moment that we loved each other enough to take the leap into the parenthood together. Thank you for being you!

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One thought on “For my children…

  1. Merry Widow says:

    Thank you so much. You express so well many of my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions regarding my own young daughter. I have often wondered why it is that I am not as patient and creative a mom as I was while my husband lived. It is interesting for me to read your thoughts. Thank you for sharing.

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