I’m feeling kind of down lately. For the last two weeks, I’ve been reflecting on where life is going and the decisions I’ve made over the past year or so. I tend to do this in April because it is my month. It is the month that my life changed forever and my husband died. Six Aprils have passed now and some days, I don’t think I’ve come very far. Some days are very sad and I am weary of being a widow. I keep trying to get on with my life, so to speak, but something is wrong…my internal compass is off.
That little voice in my head, the thoughts that I have when making a decision, the directions I take and the choices I make never seem quite right. I swear that I try. I swear that I think things through well and try to make the best decisions for my family and myself. Why is it then that I always hit roadblocks, tough obstacles and more sadness? I don’t get it. Don’t I get credit for trying to go on with life? Don’t I get credit for trying to find direction when my compass is lost…or maybe just broken and can’t be repaired?
This week I have been a weepy mess. It really just feels like I can’t catch a break. I am sick and tired of challenges and hanging in there…but what choice do I have? Really I have no other choice. I have to hang in, I have to keep trying, I have to keep hoping I will feel better in that nebulous someday…
Six years down the road, I am asking myself, will it ever get better? Will it be better this year, next year, after a decade? I know that I’m in a time line of the year that is hard for me. I know that every April I think about what happened in April 2005. I remember watching my husband die. I remember sitting on the bed next to him, nursing our son, and seeing him die. I know I lived this. I know it, but it is still so hard to believe. People around me are going on with their lives and I seem to be going on with mine, but I just still can’t believe this is my life. How could my life take such a horrible turn?
I know I have much to be grateful for, but some days, it is just really hard for me to put on the happy face. As I watch people live their lives, I feel happy for them, but I still feel so empty inside. I still feel like I’ve lost my way and don’t know if I’ll find out who I was really supposed to become.
So, I’ll be weepy today, maybe even tomorrow too, but I will keep moving toward my true north…where ever it may be. I will get up each day, be grateful for my kids and try not to be overwhelmed. I will always try to be hopeful and I will forgive myself when I cannot. Even when it feels like I can’t make a decision that will work out, I will continue to do my best…it’s really all I have.