Well, on Wednesday I will mark the end of the sixth year without my husband. I will bravely march into the seventh wondering what new discoveries I will make about this journey I have been on since he died. I will again look at how it fits me – what parts of it I will cast off, what pieces I will choose to keep and what parts I just can’t shake yet. Every year brings these new discoveries. Each year brings a new element of who I am becoming and how I have been shaped because my husband died.
I’m feeling down this year as the anniversary approaches. I was weepy a week ago and then feeling fine the next. This week I am wondering how to mark, remember, honor or whatever we will call it as another year passes. It’s funny (funny strange, not funny haha) that now I mark the passage of time by this date. I wonder each year how I’ve made to this point. I wonder each year if it will get easier. I wonder each year how my heart will be changed or has changed. This year I feel tired. I am tired of the “sole” parenting and financial strife. I am tired of having no time off from this 24/7 job of life…I’m tired of always being the responsible one, the bad cop, the one who does the dishes. I am missing my husband all the way into my bones. I am lonely and I thought in the beginning after he died that I would never be alone after several years…oh well.
I have taken my job of healing hearts very seriously over the years. I have sought out professionals, tried to experience my grief and its impact, poured out my heart on paper and focused on my kid’s feelings and needs. My heart is healing and is constantly evolving. My heart is not done with loving my husband and I don’t think it ever will be. My heart wants to love again, but it is trapped inside me, the widow, who doesn’t even know where to begin.
I don’t even know what to do this year on the anniversary…should I let it pass? Should I stop and remember? Should I let the boys lead me? Should I let my needs lead us this year? I was leaning toward taking a day out of the regular routine and just hanging out with the kids…but, now the day I planned to take off is full of things for my older boy to do at school and I don’t want him to miss out. My little one really has no idea about the day. I know about the day. I am thinking about it a lot. It is filling me with dread for some reason. I know that my husband wouldn’t want me to be filled with dread…but, he’s dead now and I can’t really talk to him about it…well, I can, but the conversation is so one sided. My heart says stop, but the rest of me is undecided and struggling with how it will look.
I really wish that this along with all these other decisions I have to make alone would just go away for a day. I really wish that this wasn’t my life. It’s really getting me down lately…hopefully when the day comes and goes…so will the anxiety and sadness that I’m feeling right now.
What I do know is no matter what I do, time will pass. The day will come and go like it has five times already. I know that I will keep moving further and further away from the woman I was before all this happened. I will continue to go forward. I will continue to heal hearts. I will continue.
I guess for right now, that will have to be enough.
PS – To my love – rest in peace – you are greatly missed every day. Please keep your love around us and help me to muster the strength I will need to get through another anniversary.