I think one of the hardest things for me about not being married anymore is that I feel undesired. I love feeling needed. I really loved being a wife. I loved feeling desired. In the last six years, I have not felt desired. When my husband was alive I think I felt more attractive, more appealing, well, more desirable because he saw me that way.
So now, on my own, a busy, sole parent, working full time outside of home, and at home I don’t even know where desire fits anymore. I feel like I’ve pushed it to the side and nearly banished it so I don’t have to face the reality of it being gone. If I feel desire to someone else, there is always those thoughts…I’m married…I’m committed to him…I love him. Well, he’s dead and over the last six years, I have been working on where to put all those feelings in my new, unmarried life. I don’t want to be alone forever. I miss being in a relationship. I miss being a sexual person. I feel more like a caregiver and less like a woman these days. I understand that this feeling can appear even when people are involved in a relationship, but as I sit here six years since he died, I’m feeling stuck.
I don’t even know how to go about the “beginnings” of a relationship again. How do I fit that part of me back into my life? Dave built this life with me. He had to put up with it all. A new person, well, a new person can take it or leave it. How do I make room in this life I’ve created for my own needs? I think it’s so complicated that I’ve been hiding from it.
From the very early moments of widowhood, people asked me if I was dating or thinking about it. In those very early moments I thought they were crazy…his body was barely cold and people wanted to know what my plans were…my plans were for him to live and for us to ride off in the sunset happily ever after…
That is never going to happen.
As years passed by, people still asked if I was dating. I’ve always had a standard answer, “no one had asked” or “so far, no interested parties”. Did I think that six years later I would still be alone? Not really. Did I know how it would happen? Not really. I’d never been out of a relationship for too long. In my pre-widow life, if a break up occurred, there was almost always someone who stepped forward…I never had to work at that really. Now, I know how lucky I was. Because truthfully, six years later, six year alone, I don’t know how to start.
I am a believer that things happen at the right time. I knew when Dave died that it would take a lifetime for my heart to heal. I knew I didn’t want to start a relationship with someone new with so much baggage that I couldn’t give anything to him. I knew that my children needed me. I knew that I needed to heal and grow in ways that I would never expect.
I also believe that I am lovable and can love. I have hard proof of that. I had a great relationship with my husband. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I know that I have a lot to offer and I also know that even if someone doesn’t come around that I will be ok. It would just be nice to have someone to share my day with, my thoughts with, my successes and failures with. It would be nice to be desirable again.