A new year, a new chance, and more new beginnings that propel me further from the life I knew into the life I am to live. This week has brought many new changes for me. As the kiddos started back to school after winter break, I began my stint as a student teacher. I am back to school for the final seminars for my masters and am feeling invigorated to have a direction to head again. Way back when, even before Dave died, I was a believer that when you’re on your way somewhere and you feel surrounded by peace (mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally) and the roadblocks are few it must be a place I was meant to go.
Over the last few weeks, I have had that experience of peace. After much concern on my part about where and when my student teaching would happen, I was placed in the school where I already work surrounded by people who have supported me for years. I am in a place where I will learn, grow and feel safe enough to risk and explore my own gifts as a teacher…peace.
The holidays were good this year too…after many sad Christmas mornings over the years, we woke to who we are and that was all. Not too much looking back, not too much looking at what we don’t have…we just were. The kiddos were happy. I was happy. Peace.
Unexpected surprises took me on a trip I never expected. I was open to receiving though and guess what? I was cared for, appreciated and felt…well, peace. I was blessed to have an experience of a lifetime, meet wonderful people, and remember some pieces of myself that I was sure were gone…forever. Peace.
Today, as I return to the familiar…housework, homework, catching up…I am thinking about jubilee again. I thought about it last summer, I was thinking this year in my grief journey may be something different. I was feeling on the verge of something, but couldn’t wrap my head around it.
Every seven years a jubilee…
Ju-bi-lee (n) 2. a season or an occasion of joyful celebration
Not wanting the other shoe to drop or to get too far ahead of myself…but, this definition means something to me today. Maybe, just maybe, I’ve done my work and now can enjoy some of the fruit of my labor…a season of joyful celebration? Peace?
After nearly seven years of navigating a world I didn’t know what to do with, I am feeling more myself again. I am feeling more capable again. I am feeling some ownership, not a victim of circumstance. I have been intentional about the work I knew I had to do when Dave died. I have been intentional about healing hearts. I have been intentional about who walks the journey with me. I have been intentional about carefully and thoughtfully sculpting out a life where I can live without him, but not without…well, peace.
So, as I leap into my new experiences, I am once again grateful for this journey. Crazy as it may sound, I know that I would not appreciate all of it the way I can now without all the heartache. Without the heartache, I may not have known how special each moment is. Without the work, I may have been able to remain open and able to risk. Today, I am very grateful for something that has eluded me for a long time…peace.