I’m not sure what it is, but as the week draws to a close, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m not sure if it’s because I didn’t get a third of the things on my to-do list completed or if it’s the changes that are right around the corner again. I don’t why I ever think I’ll get more accomplished when my kiddos are on break, but every time, I try to fool myself into thinking my to-do list will be finished and I’ll have loads of time to relax. Usually it’s about half of each…with my to-do list bordering on a catch up list.
I’m grateful for down time. I didn’t have to get up at 5am every morning. I did get my car issues handled, and I did get to do some fun stuff with the boys. I enjoyed a baseball game, a movie and sleeping later. I got some chores around the house done, but those silly boys live here too and they continue to make more chores. I’m a day ahead on laundry – which is great, but a day behind in homework and lesson plans.
I’m also finishing up my student teaching soon. I only have two more seminar classes until my master’s is finished (YAY!) and only four more weeks of student teaching. It seems to have flown by so quickly. So, in a month, I am again unemployed. I am again starting in a new direction. I am hopeful and trepidatious…who decides to change everything again at my age?? What was I thinking?? I’m not sure, but I think this is one part that has me overwhelmed.
I know I have a plan. I know that things will most likely work out. I do. Right now though, sitting here at the computer…I feel overwhelmed. I feel summer coming around the corner and I’m not ready. I feel “new” starting again and I’m not sure if I’m ready. I love teaching, I love parenting, I’m happy with many things that have been happening…but overwhelmed still sneaks in…how will I handle it all and not implode? I’m not sure if this is just a middle age crisis or my grief floating to the top again. Have I been shoveling it too far down to survive and begin thriving that the grief has to burst out again, or is this just normal life stuff? I really can’t tell the difference anymore.
It’s getting closer to April and I can hear the count going on in my head. Seven years. Seven years. Seven years…
I begin to pull out my measuring stick and see how far I’ve come and how much I’ve left behind…good, bad, indifferent…I still measure. Why? I know that setting goals and reflection are good, but why is it I spend more time worrying than celebrating the successes. Some days it feels like if I take a moment to celebrate, I’ll only be that much further behind.
I think that falling behind is really what is at the core of these feelings too. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I do each day, no matter what…there is always so much more to do. There are always things I won’t be able to finish…there are always those moments when I let my kiddos down because I had to get something else done and there was no one else here to be with them while I did. No matter what I did along the way, there will always be that measure of what I wasn’t able to do for them…because it was only me. It wasn’t the life I wanted for my kids. It wasn’t the life I wanted for me. I’m doing the best I can, but still I feel overwhelmed.
So, I’ll re-frame. I’ll bite it off in smaller pieces until my heartbeat slows down a bit. I’ll remember that I’m human, I’m one person, and that I really do give it my all most days. I’ll let myself feel overwhelmed today, get up tomorrow, start again and try to forgive myself for the things I wasn’t able to cross off the list. Tomorrow is another day, another chance, and another moment to celebrate how far we’ve come and who we are becoming. Some day…I will rest! I will. Some day…I will look back and know I did my best even if I felt overwhelmed along the way.