Every day I am amazed that I make it through the day. I really am. It has been such a long road since Dave’s death and in the early moments, I truly did not know how I would survive. I barely remembered how to breathe. Now, every day, we plug along. We are pretty acclimated to this life. When I look around me, I have everything that he and I had hoped for…a nice home, healthy kids, just about enough money to make it by, and I was able to go back to school (again) to prepare for work that I love. Looks like I have it all…at least I have what “we” had hoped for way back when.
Every day I am grateful for all these things. I am fortunate to have a lovely home. I am fortunate to have my health (despite my crappy diagnosis) and my boys are lively, healthy and on most days happy. The basics, right? Well, actually more than the basics. Many people have had more tragedy, more struggles, well, just more to deal with in their lives.
So, why do I feel this way? Why do I still feel hollow most days? Why do I still feel aimless so much? I have focused on the future a bit and come up with a working plan, but it still feels empty. I am capable of feeling happy now, but there is still that aching that something is missing. I wonder if that aching will ever cease.
Yesterday was Dave’s birthday. See, I’m still stuck on dates and such. He would have been another year older and I miss teasing him about that. It’s kind of silly…it’s has been over seven years now since he died…if he had lived, I had no guarantees what our life would of looked like today. There is really no way to know that. So, why, when these types of dates creep up do I try to imagine what life would be like, only to slip sadly into the things I don’t have anymore.
It’s strange, I really don’t mind being alone as much as I used to mind it. I’m almost accustomed to having no one to share my day, my hopes, my dreams with anymore. I’m pretty used to letting the stuff just role around in my own head. I probably could go through life like this…it would be manageable. I’ve become competent at making all the decisions, shouldering all the responsibility, and making sure everything is ok. So, why this aching for something more…I really have it all don’t I?
Maybe I’ll feel more hopeful again after Father’s day. Timing isn’t really great this time of year for me…
Maybe, as time passes, I will become even better at how I function, better at reaching out to others, better at soothing my aching heart, better at having it all.
I’ve made it this far.
I’ve made it this far.