On the cusp

Yesterday, I had the privilege of taking my oldest to high school and getting him registered and ready for the start of his high school career next week.  When we got to campus, he successfully hid his worries as we moved from one line to the next.  We saw friends and met some new people.  I think it was a success…but who knows? I’m his mom…very little credibility these days in public.  He was even gracious enough to put up with me as I greeted my friends and re-introduced him to their kids who he hasn’t seen much of since his preschool days.

I’m so excited for him.  I can still remember starting high school…way back when.  Little did I know then, in those first days, even first months, that I would meet people who would become my people.  It took me some time my first year in high school, but now as I look back, the friends I held dearly by the end of that first year are still the friends I hold dearly now.  They have watched me grow up and I find great solace in that…even greater solace that they stuck with me through it all this far.

Another chapter began yesterday for me too. As luck would have it, I will be starting the school year at the school I love.  I will be working with people who have nurtured me and become friends and I can’t be happier.  As I write this morning, I am very grateful to be a part of a community that I hold so dearly.  Although the role is temporary, I feel like the bond is more and I couldn’t be happier.  I have been trusting, well…most days I am…that I will be where I am meant to be.  Trying to remember every day a motto I stole years ago…everything is in divine and perfect order, NOW!

For me the hardest part of the motto is the “now” part.  I know truly that the “now” is the only moment that I really have.  It is always my intention to be in that moment.  It is always my intention to be the kindest, most loving, best me that I can be in that moment.  I think I’m better at focusing on now when I am on the cusp of something new.  I’m more alert to the moment, because I must be.  It is so easy for my over thinking, over processing, over worrying brain to pull me away from the moment.  It is so easy some days to let that voice in my head talk me down instead of letting me be present to my moments.  It is only years and years of healing, years and years of nurturing hope, years and years of incessant practice that help me shove those things to the corner of my mind and focus on the moment.  This is not an easy task at all because many days the only reflections I have are from me only and I am most often the person that gets in my way of my own happiness and success of living in the moment.

I must say that living in the moment, on the cusp, has led me to places that I never expected.  Losing my husband, a life event that I never would wish on anyone, stripped me of my future and forced me to live moment by moment.  Every day, breath by breath, I strove to be present to my heart, my joy, my pain, my sorrow…and all of the same for my kids too…this desire to be present led me to a place of gratitude…again, most days.  I promised myself that if I kept my heart open, kept my heart soft and didn’t let losing him turn me to stone, that I would survive it.  If I could live in the moment, not worry about the next moment, I would be ok.   If I could remain flexible, listen to my heart, and remember that the only thing that is constant is change, someday I would feel better. All of these things are so difficult for me to do, but being on the cusp again reminds me of how far the boys and I have come.  Being on the cusp invigorates me and it’s not a bad gig if I can get it.

My new role in the community I love is nothing I expected, but it is a great role and I am thrilled to have it.  The flip side of that is that I am coming in on the fly and will be running full speed for the next few weeks.  I will be pushing myself in new ways, but in the comfort of a place I love with the support of folks who want me to succeed.  What a wonderful thing!

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