When I was young, I had a friend who loved the Beach Boys. When we went out, we’d play their sweet melodies and happy, sunny California lyrics full blast as we cruised around and partied. When I was a girl, I really bought into the idea that I would have it all. The fantasy world of a place “where we belong” full of never ending kisses. The day dreaming and looking forward to be grown up in that way that could only have happened when I was young. All I ever wanted to be was grown up…doesn’t every kid? Does every girl want to live happily ever after, or did I just buy into that too much?
The songs remind me of what could be. The songs remind me of what was. Sugar sweet songs filled with love, fun and happily ever after…
So, here I sit. I’m all grown up in the world where I belong. My days aren’t filled with kisses that never end or waking up next to someone I love. I don’t get to “hold anyone close the whole night through” either….but “wouldn’t it be nice?”
It’s weird waking up in the world after the happily ever after. It’s an odd thing to be happily married then not. Even now, over seven years later, I wonder if the dreams of my youth will ever come true. There have been times in my life, moments really, that have come close. I had fourteen years of someone by my side. I loved it. I loved him. He even loved me. I now find myself on the other side of that though. I had the things I’d hoped for, but it seems so fleeting now. The things didn’t come as easily as I’d imagined they would, but they did come. Now, with those things over, where do I go? Do I go back to the dreams of a girl hoping to be held the whole night through, or has that part of my life passed? Is so strange to have already had my happily ever after, to survive it shattering, and wake up here alone looking toward the future…not as a girl anymore, but as a woman who has been blessed so much and also felt very cursed at times.
The Beach Boys never sang about what to do if you found the place you belonged, the arms to hold you all night, and then they evaporated right before your eyes. They didn’t sing melodic tunes about what to do when your love dies, literally. I listened to some sad songs when my heart was broken as a girl, but never did I imagine that my heart would be so shattered and I’d survive it.
I’m not a needy person. I’ve always been pretty self reliant, responsible, steadfast, and on the outside not too fearful. Why is it that when I think of my future now, it feels like I’m needy if I want to spend it with someone? Why does it feel strange to want to enjoy someone’s company on a regular basis? I think for me it’s that feeling that I’m being selfish. I feel selfish because I did have it for a bit. I feel selfish because some folks will never know, never have it. I feel selfish because I want to share things again. I want to feel someone care about me…there’s that selfish “me” again. I don’t know if it’s the mom in me or the widow in me, but every time I think of or dare I say dream of my needs, I feel guilty. I give the majority of myself to others every day. I don’t rest in the arms of relief, calm, or love very often anymore, but I’ll keep dreaming even through my guilt. I’ll keep that little bit of hope, because letting it slip away forever, breaks my heart. I’ll dream of a place where someday I’ll belong again and where I’ll get to hold someone the whole night through again…”ahh, wouldn’t it be nice?”