My clear mind is cluttering and my body is tensing again. As the skies become crisper and somehow more blue and clearer, I begin to descend. Fall is approaching. It is the time of year I love dearly. It is so beautiful here. People start coming out of the air-conditioning and enjoy the weather we forgot existed during the intense heat. The breezes blow cool instead of giving us windburn. I so love fall.
Although I love fall, it’s the time. It’s that time again. It’s my time again. It starts in September. It moves into October, turning my favorite time of year into the time of year I dread most. In September, he didn’t feel well. In October, the tests began. Mid October our baby was born…the high point! Five days later came the low point, well, the first low point, the diagnosis that my husband would die. The doctor wasn’t sure when, but he was sure he would die and we didn’t have that much time.
I think what tugs me the most this time of year is the dichotomy. The extreme beauty. The extreme sadness. The extreme disbelief of what happened. Yet, here I sit and it indeed did happen. It is true. It is my reality.
As I face the eighth year of anniversaries, the eighth year of survival, the eighth year without him, I am astounded. Although I have lived this life every day, I really am not sure how I did it. I can’t remember when I saw beauty again. I can’t remember exactly when I felt happy again. I can’t remember what it was that made me smile for the first time or brought real joy back to me. What I do know is that these things did return.
Today, as I begin to remember the fall that my life changed again and as the funk starts creeping into my bones, I will remember that I have fought my way back. The details maybe sketchy, but I kept my heart open. I have survived the unsurvivable seven times. I will survive it eight times. It felt like I would never make it through those first moments and now nearly a decade has passed. So, today when the funk starts to mess with my head and my heart, I will remember.
Who can really ask for more? Today, not me.