Matters of my heart…

So, I’m wondering about my heart again.  It’s a strange thing to know that I am ok on my own.  I wonder if my heart will know when and where it’s right to surrender again. I think the new found confidence in knowing that I can really, really do all of this on my own makes me unsure when it comes to matters of my heart.  I’ve been on my own for so long now, some days, I really think that I will be alone…well, forever.

When I was married, I knew that I had to have a life of my own to maintain a healthy relationship with my husband.  I couldn’t lose sight of me in him.  I have always been independent…guess that comes with being the oldest child in a large family.  I knew that I had to have friends that met the needs that my husband didn’t meet for me.  I learned through one failed marriage before Dave that no one person can ever meet your needs.  I was very young when I married the first time.  I had no idea who I was or who I was to become…really, really no idea.

With one failed marriage under my belt, I was very careful the second time.  I was pretty good about knowing what I wanted.  I wasn’t all that good about communicating it yet though.  I learned that skill with Dave.  We worked hard through the years to be happy and be together.  It was hard work that was filled with smiles, laughs and many good times.  There were many difficult times too.  That happens.  We spent 14 years together…good, bad and ugly…but also many beautiful.  My heart was in it fully and completely.  That being said, it still took many of those 14 years for me to believe that he wanted me, loved me, and would stay.  After the first marriage failure, I wasn’t sure I was worth staying with…

But he stayed.

He stayed for many, many years.

So, now, he’s been gone for many years.  I have now spent eight years alone.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be on my own this long.  I like being in a couple.  I like being with someone.  Now I am used to being alone.  I think it muddies up the matters of my heart.

I’m not sure anymore.  I’m not sure when someone is attracted to me and if they are I really don’t know what to do with it.  I don’t really go out looking for it either.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad.  I was lucky to have one very sweet fella fall into my world for a bit.  It was nice.  Here is where my confusion begins though…I don’t know what vibes I send out because I am ok on my own.  I’m not sure what type of signals I emit.  Although I don’t seek out an intimate relationship, it doesn’t mean that wouldn’t appreciate one.  I actually think I’d be pretty good at it again…

With matters of the heart though, it is still not clear for me.  I am still insecure about myself.  Although I know my list of competencies, I find myself doubting my appeal.  I just don’t know if I have it anymore…

It’s so silly…but there it is.  It is so weird to feel insecure about matters of the heart when I know all the things I have survived and grown through.  It is so strange to feel competent in running my home, my career, raising my boys (well this one wanes at times) but not feel like I’m not enough for a relationship…

Kind of feel like I did when it all began…

I never thought I’d have to start over again when it came to matters of the heart, yet here I sit at the beginning again.

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5 thoughts on “Matters of my heart…

  1. Candy says:

    I found that love came to me when I was least expecting it. I, too, did not find myself appealing, but my husband did. We had over 36 years together before he died. Don’t be concerned about what vibe you send out. Just be who you are now. If there is another husband for you, he will come along and love you unconditionally just the way you are.

    • cmt says:

      Thanks Candy. The hard part is-I don’t think I want to be married again…not sure…
      I’m not lonely like I used to be, but would enjoy having someone in my life…someone who’s got my back…all of it is unclear for me at this point…I guess I’ll just wait til clarity arrives. thanks again for reading and taking time to comment~ Chris

  2. Seems like most women feel insecure about their ‘appeal’ but Christine, the way you write reveals that you have a beautiful spirit and a loving heart–very appealing characteristics to the right man. Meanwhile, I agree with what you said about waiting for ‘clarity’. I didn’t do that the first time widowed, and ended up marrying Mr. Wrong, getting divorced. This time widowed, I think I got my head on straight–hope to keep it that way!:-)

    • cmt says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words Virginia and for reading. This widowed journey is all trial and error for me. I always hope that I am heading the right direction…so hard to know tho’ with only me to rely on for everything. Good luck on the journey.

  3. i lost my love 4 years ago after 40years. some good and some bad but the lov was there. i still dont know how to go on without him. we have no children but i have my cat so shes like my baby and spoiled. when u get to be my age u dont even have the energy to look for someone because i still love my husband even tho hes gone. guess what im searching for answers ty.

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