Turning circles

It’s May again. It is nearly the end of May again.  The holiday weekend approaches.  School ends tomorrow.  Another school year finished and on the books and today I’m feeling like time has flown by and I have made very little progress since I sat and said goodbye to the last school year. Circles. I know life runs in cycles.  Why does it feel like I run in circles instead of cycles?  I feel like last year I sat in this same spot, reflecting on growth, future, how to manage…and now it feels like I’m living the replay.

Last May, I had just finished my student teaching, my masters, and was looking for work. I was hoping to stay with the school I love so dearly with people who inspire me daily.  This year, I’m doing the same.  I didn’t get my own classroom last fall…I got someone else’s.  All year, I worked as a long term substitute teacher moving from one long term job to the next.  All these jobs at the school I love with the people who inspire me.  I have tested my skills with students of all ages and learning abilities and I have loved the variety.  I taught daily.  I loved it.  I loved it every day.  I am a better teacher, better colleague, and a better person because of my experiences this year.  Still, here I sit…jobless again.  Searching again…

As a mom, I have continued my search for healing hearts.  With my oldest finishing his first year in high school, it feels like in some areas we’ve taken steps backward.  This transition year has been good and had awful moments.  I am a calmer parent then I’ve been in years, but still feel like I’m treading water.  Hearts still ache for the same reasons and different reasons all at the same time.  My big boy had many firsts this year.  My little boy has been feeling off, angry, lonely.  I keep reminding myself that I am raising them to fly on their own, but I feel like broken record most days.

Circles. Cycles.

Hard for me to tell which I am in sometimes.

I know that we’ve had successes.  My big boy made it through his first year of high school! My big boy made new friends and made his way in a school much bigger than he has ever known! My big boy has grown in so many ways! Success!  My little boy made it through his first year of school without his brother by his side! My little boy auditioned for his first part in chorus! My little boy made new friends when he felt like he was without any!  Success!  I have been going to the grocery by myself nearly all the time! I am a calmer parent and I am a better teacher. I have been taking better care of myself.  Hey, I was even interviewed on the radio.  Success!  All good things…why do I feel so down?

There is still something missing.  I know for me that many days, like today, there is no celebration of those successes.  We acknowledge them, but for me they still feel empty.  I wrote years ago about missing my reflection in Dave’s eyes.  There’s something to that I think.  I don’t have my person to share my successes with anymore.  There is a hollowness to them.  Today, I passed another certification test and am on my way to being certified in both elementary and secondary education…I should have this certification in a week or so…it’s a kinda big deal…but it feels hollow tonight.  I have worked really hard over the last year. I don’t have anyone who is thrilled for me.  I don’t have that person to talk with about it anymore.  I don’t have that person to laugh about it with, to tease me, to give me a hug and say great job…

Circles. Cycles.

I know tomorrow will be better.  I know that I will find my way.  I know that my boys will find their way and I will be there to provide as much support as I am able. I know that.  Just tonight…it would be nice to have someone know, someone to care, someone to share it all with again.

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One thought on “Turning circles

  1. brenner1543 says:

    I completely understand about feeling like you are turning in circles. My life is a constant repetition of the day before. Amazing how grief can put your life on repeat…. a constant droning on of what happened the day before. I know it feels hollow to you with the accomplishments of your certifications, but you should feel proud! Managing to do this while grieving, working, and raising your children is a major accomplishment. While saying that….. I understand how it feels. I go through the motions at work and while working towards completing my university degree and the good grades mean nothing. They just are. So I understand, but try to see the joy in this amazing thing you have accomplished even while turning in constant circles.

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