I believe we are all grown-ups here. I know that my boys don’t read my blog…or are even vaguely interested that I write one at all. So, with that said…I hope you’re not offended by the topic I’d like to write about today. I find that my widowed friends are often blunt about many more things than my non-widowed friends and I am somewhat surprised that we really don’t talk about this more often. I don’t read many blogs that deal with it and I have to admit, I’m a bit nervous about putting it out there.
So, here goes…
I miss sex. I really do.
After over eight years of widowhood and only one not so much a relationship long distance relationship, I really miss physical intimacy. I don’t only miss the sex though. I miss the emotional connection…the emotional intimacy that goes along with having a committed intimate relationship.
But…I really, really miss the physical contact. I miss holding hands. I miss being embraced. I really miss kissing. I miss touching and being touched. I miss sex. The even more complex thing is that I miss all the things you can’t get in one night…so to speak. I miss the connection when you look into someone’s eyes and know that they really want you as much as you want them. I miss lying in someone’s arms. I miss the knowing smile. I miss collapsing into to bed at the end of a long day and there is someone there wanting to make it just a wonderful bit longer. I miss the way I forget everything and can melt into someone. I miss that moment…well, I think you know what I mean…
I was widowed when I was 39 years old. I think that’s a little too young to give up my sex life. Here’s the thing though, I wasn’t ready back then. I wasn’t. I missed Dave more than words will ever be able to express. I missed him with everything, every part of me ached for him…including my body. I missed his touch, his kiss, his embrace. I was still in my post-partum months from our second boy when he died. I don’t talk about this much, but, we never had sex after our child was born…I regret that deeply. Dave was diagnosed five days after our little one was born and on chemo within a week. So, although I our intimacy was brought to a level that I never expected, we never made love again after his diagnosis. There were lots of reasons, but none of them seem viable now. It is my one regret.
So, needless to say, I’ve spent most of my time since his death celibate. Many days go by and I don’t think of it. Many years went by and I really didn’t feel like a sexual being anymore. I am though. I am affectionate and truly miss the physical attention and giving physical attention to someone else. I miss the receiving and the giving…I miss the icing on the cake.
Recently I watched a repeat of Louis CK and the bit he does on being single after divorce. It is very funny. It is very true. He talks about not ever expecting to be single again and thinking about getting out there again. He talks about not being “presentation” ready. He talks about the awkwardness of being in your forties and single again. He talks about not ever expecting to be single again. Well, I haven’t felt “presentation” ready in a long time. I’ve been working on my physical wellness more lately. I have tried to eat healthily for a long time, but I haven’t made exercise a priority in my life until more recently. I have tried to stay up on my yoga over the years and tried Pilates for a while, but finding the time and the money was always a challenge…well, here again, I could go on forever with reasons why…but it really isn’t viable.
Fortunately a good friend got me back into exercising again and I am feeling much better. I forgot about one consequence of feeling better physically though…my desires are back on the rise again…something about exercise and endorphins I think. Hmmm…double edged sword…
So, I really don’t know. I know what I miss, but know what I miss won’t happen overnight. I know that the sex I miss only comes with emotional connection and emotional commitment (forgive the pun). I know that what I miss takes time to build and it’s rare to find. Some days this leaves me feeling hopeless. I often wonder if I will ever fit this back into my life. I wonder if I will ever be given the opportunity again. I wonder if anyone will be brave enough to take me…presentation ready or not.
Physical relationships have always been important to me. I don’t know why, but I am happier, more energetic, and I feel, well, more tangible, more visible when I feel desired and am with someone who cares for me. Honestly, there are many days when I wonder how I’ve gone so long alone. It was so easy when I was younger. I’m not sure what complicates it now. I do know that I miss feeling visible, tangible, and desired. I have been really lucky in my life to have been in relationships with some very, wonderful fellas. Maybe I’ve just been spoiled? Maybe I just need to wait a little longer? Who knows? I’ve said it before and maybe if I keep saying it…it will be true, I think if I keep my heart open some brave man might be interested and I’ll find myself in a new beginning again, icing and all.