Preparing for camp

This week, I am preparing myself for camp.  Soon, I get to be a small part of the fifth Camp Widow West created by Soaring Spirits International (http://www.sslf.org/).  It is a weekend put together specifically for those who have been widowed…no matter what the circumstances or situation.  It is in lovely San Diego.  It is in the same area where Dave and I often vacationed.  It is a place of hope and solidarity.  It is a place of laughter and heartbreak all rolled into one.  I remember the thing that struck me most when I attended several years ago… the only common thread…being widowed.  To see so many men and women who had suffered this great loss come together to share their struggle, their hope, and their stories was inspiring.

This year, I am going back as a volunteer.   Volunteering is a more natural state of being for me…participant is really hard for me.  I know that although I wear the volunteer badge at this one, I will still be participant, whether I like it or not.  I know that I will listen to the story of others’ loss and I will share mine.  I know that my heart will break as I listen to the newly widowed and that I will be inspired by those who have survived this journey longer than I have.  It is a bittersweet place.  It is filled with broken hearts that still smile, laugh, and continue to face a life they had never imagined.  It is amazing to see how people turn tragedy into miracles.  It increases my hope and gives me the courage to thrive in my unexpected life.

So as I prepare, I get ready to face the heartbreak of others.  I get ready to experience my own loss in a new way.  I get ready to share my story with those who will hear it.  I have the wonderful opportunity to meet some of my heroes!  I get to be with the other bloggers who share their stories.  I get to listen to the stories of those who have created a place of healing for so many, including themselves.  I get to remember and see how much I’ve changed over the years too.

This year, the boys are coming to San Diego with me.  I was going to go alone, but then thought about sharing the inspiration with them and the value and the possible impact that it might have in their lives.  They don’t often see this part of loss.  They don’t often see people other than us surviving the loss.  It can be an isolating experience losing a spouse, or in their case, a parent.  They will have the opportunity to see others who walk the same walk every day.  They will meet other children who share similar struggles, sorrow, joy, and hopefully understand that we are not alone on this journey.  They will get to see a part of me that they don’t really see too.  They don’t pay much attention to the writer mom they have…sure, sometime they see the books come in the mail and they know that I write.  They might see that what I do has a bigger role than just me sitting at my desk.  They might see that words are healing.  They might see that sharing our story not only brings healing to us, but may bring comfort to others.  They might experience the solidarity of hope and healing that I have been privileged to experience.  I hope they are comforted.  I hope they are inspired.  Even if they are not, that will be ok.

So as I prepare, I think about all the other people who will attend. I wonder how I will be changed by their stories.  I wonder how I will be inspired.  I look forward to the unexpected…and for me that is huge!  Looking forward to something isn’t always a part of my life anymore…it is a more rare and precious thing.  Looking forward to the unexpected is an adventure!  I am so grateful to have this adventure ahead of me!  Camp Widow…here we come!

***Important Note – Camp Widow West is an adult experience for those who have lost a partner or spouse.  My children are not attending this event, but are accompanying me on my trip.  Their experience will be based on seeing my participation as a volunteer, not as participants.  They will be spending time with friends and family while I volunteer.***

The Grief Hangover

So, it doesn’t happen every year.  Lately, the years and their events have been ok.  We’ve made it through the holidays and special events relatively unscathed.  I’ve come to expect this life that I lead now to be what it is.  Is it what I had hoped? Not always, but it is ok, really it is. I’m pretty used to being alone.  I’m pretty used to sole parenting.  I’m pretty used to dealing with all the matters that arise on my own. That’s just how my life is.  The one thing that is really getting to me lately is seeing my boys suffer.  I see their broken hearts.  I ache. But they are their hearts though…I can do all that I can to get them help to cope, build their grief tool boxes, and love them, but some days…well some days…they will  just miss their dad and there is nothing I can do to lift that from them.

The last week has been one of those weeks.  We had Dave’s birthday followed by Father’s Day…always a double whammy…but this year was a rough one again.  My little boy is really missing his daddy and I feel so helpless.  Father’s Day found both boys missing Dave this year.  I mean, they miss him every year, but this year they were both feeling it strongly.  It’s hard because I never know what to expect when we begin one of these days.  I know its Father’s Day, but I don’t always know what direction it will hit me from when the blow comes.

Yesterday started out pretty well.  We spent the morning enjoying the zoo.  We rode our bikes there and had fun.  It was good.  My little boy wanted to go to the cemeteries: one for his dad, one for my dad, to leave flowers for each man they have lost.  Still, everything was going ok.  I usually leave these types of visits and such up to the boys.  I don’t suggest.  I let them guide me.  We got flowers.  We went.

At the cemetery, my very stoic eight year old lost it.  He doesn’t talk about it.  He just sobs.  Every ounce of my being wants to fix this for him.  I know I can’t.  I know it is his journey. It still kills me.  My big boy only stepped out of the car for a few minutes.  He didn’t really want to be there, but did it for his brother.  He misses his dad and it’s different than it was when he was younger. There we stood looking at the headstone with Dave’s name and picture on it.  It is still so surreal for me.  There we stood broken again, hurting again, missing Dave.  I don’t want my children to go through this…is that selfish?  I don’t want my boys to grow up without their dad…am I asking too much?  I would suffer the pain of losing Dave over and over again through one thousand lifetimes to save them from this one lifetime without their dad.

We made it through the day.  We enjoyed the zoo and time with my brothers and their families later in the evening.  It was an ok day.  It was an ok day, but today I woke up with the sadness again.  I’m tired.  That sad tired that feels draining with apathy running thickly through it.  It is a grief hangover, so to speak.  No motivation, no hopefulness, just tired and sad.  We survived our ninth Father’s day, but I don’t feel good about it.  I just want to take away their pain, my pain…and sleep.

The thing I know is that I can’t walk the journey of grief for my kids.  I can stand beside them.  I can love them all the way through it, but I can’t do it for them or lift it from them.  They will walk the loss of their dad all their lives.  It will be woven through the men they become.  It will hopefully open their hearts to the greater love that only losing someone so dear can bring.  It is in the pure sweetness of experiencing love and the deep ache of loss that something more special, more precious can be received and given…at least that is my hope.

So, as the sadness weighs me down today, I will let it hold me…thankfully, I know it will pass.  I know that I will return to the unexpected life that I am coming to know so well.  I know that with each day of pain, a day of love will be remembered and perhaps a new one built.

I love my boys.  They are my greatest treasure.  I only have them because I had Dave…even that time cut short, even every ounce of heartbreak I have felt, even every night of loneliness I endure is worth it because I have them.  Even when my heart breaks for them, I will endure.  I will endure it and love them more and walk beside them always…even when I can’t make it better.

May I be blunt?

I believe we are all grown-ups here.  I know that my boys don’t read my blog…or are even vaguely interested that I write one at all.  So, with that said…I hope you’re not offended by the topic I’d like to write about today.  I find that my widowed friends are often blunt about many more things than my non-widowed friends and I am somewhat surprised that we really don’t talk about this more often.  I don’t read many blogs that deal with it and I have to admit, I’m a bit nervous about putting it out there.

So, here goes…

I miss sex.  I really do.

After over eight years of widowhood and only one not so much a relationship long distance relationship, I really miss physical intimacy.  I don’t only miss the sex though.  I miss the emotional connection…the emotional intimacy that goes along with having a committed intimate relationship.

But…I really, really miss the physical contact.  I miss holding hands.  I miss being embraced.  I really miss kissing. I miss touching and being touched.  I miss sex.  The even more complex thing is that I miss all the things you can’t get in one night…so to speak.  I miss the connection when you look into someone’s eyes and know that they really want you as much as you want them. I miss lying in someone’s arms.  I miss the knowing smile.  I miss collapsing into to bed at the end of a long day and there is someone there wanting to make it just a wonderful bit longer. I miss the way I forget everything and can melt into someone.  I miss that moment…well, I think you know what I mean…

I was widowed when I was 39 years old.  I think that’s a little too young to give up my sex life.  Here’s the thing though, I wasn’t ready back then.  I wasn’t.  I missed Dave more than words will ever be able to express.  I missed him with everything, every part of me ached for him…including my body.  I missed his touch, his kiss, his embrace.  I was still in my post-partum months from our second boy when he died.  I don’t talk about this much, but, we never had sex after our child was born…I regret that deeply.  Dave was diagnosed five days after our little one was born and on chemo within a week.  So, although I our intimacy was brought to a level that I never expected, we never made love again after his diagnosis.  There were lots of reasons, but none of them seem viable now.  It is my one regret.

So, needless to say, I’ve spent most of my time since his death celibate. Many days go by and I don’t think of it.  Many years went by and I really didn’t feel like a sexual being anymore. I am though.  I am affectionate and truly miss the physical attention and giving physical attention to someone else.  I miss the receiving and the giving…I miss the icing on the cake.

Recently I watched a repeat of Louis CK and the bit he does on being single after divorce.  It is very funny.  It is very true.  He talks about not ever expecting to be single again and thinking about getting out there again.  He talks about not being “presentation” ready.  He talks about the awkwardness of being in your forties and single again. He talks about not ever expecting to be single again.  Well, I haven’t felt “presentation” ready in a long time.  I’ve been working on my physical wellness more lately.  I have tried to eat healthily for a long time, but I haven’t made exercise a priority in my life until more recently.  I have tried to stay up on my yoga over the years and tried Pilates for a while, but finding the time and the money was always a challenge…well, here again, I could go on forever with reasons why…but it really isn’t viable.

Fortunately a good friend got me back into exercising again and I am feeling much better.  I forgot about one consequence of feeling better physically though…my desires are back on the rise again…something about exercise and endorphins I think. Hmmm…double edged sword…

So, I really don’t know.  I know what I miss, but know what I miss won’t happen overnight.  I know that the sex I miss only comes with emotional connection and emotional commitment (forgive the pun).  I know that what I miss takes time to build and it’s rare to find.  Some days this leaves me feeling hopeless. I often wonder if I will ever fit this back into my life.  I wonder if I will ever be given the opportunity again.  I wonder if anyone will be brave enough to take me…presentation ready or not.

Physical relationships have always been important to me.  I don’t know why, but I am happier, more energetic, and I feel, well, more tangible, more visible when I feel desired and am with someone who cares for me.  Honestly, there are many days when I wonder how I’ve gone so long alone.  It was so easy when I was younger.  I’m not sure what complicates it now.  I do know that I miss feeling visible, tangible, and desired. I have been really lucky in my life to have been in relationships with some very, wonderful fellas.  Maybe I’ve just been spoiled?  Maybe I just need to wait a little longer? Who knows? I’ve said it before and maybe if I keep saying it…it will be true, I think if I keep my heart open some brave man might be interested and I’ll find myself in a new beginning again, icing and all.

Lack vs Abundance

Years ago, I adopted a quote I heard as a personal mantra.  It was nearly twenty years ago now and the mantra is still a part of me.  I believe it. I remind myself of it daily.  It has given me strength to face deep challenge and the grace to appreciate the joys in life.  It helps me walk in awe of the human spirit and natural beauty.  It reminds me that today’s feelings of lack will pass and moments of abundance and gratitude will follow.  “Everything is in divine and perfect order…NOW!” is the quote that I repeat to myself in difficult and joyful moments.  I wish I could remember where I found it all those years ago.  I love these words for several reasons.  They speak to the current moment.  They leave the future and the past where they belong and remind me that every moment I am given has something for me to receive or to give or both.

This past week or so, I have been fighting the blues.  Change has been abundant recently and has left me a little off balance.  I have been questioning my decisions and how they affect my children’s lives.  I have been wondering how my choices to pursue my master’s degree, to teach, and the relative poverty I experience because of these choices will impact the boys long term.  As I faced a new challenge of beginning a new job again last week, I struggled with leaving them home to manage on their own.  My big boy is fifteen and completely capable of watching his brother.  He has even been certified with emergency care and a babysitting class…still…I worry.  Today on facebook, a friend posted an article from The Huffington Post by Christine Gros-Loh ( http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christine-grossloh/the-milestones-that-matter-most_b_3195567.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false). This article reminded me of perspective.  This reminder brought my old mantra front and center.  As I continue to reflect on it, I am amazed how remarkable a simple shift in perspective can change feelings of lack to abundance…at least in my mind.

When I read this, I thought of the many moments of growth my children have had in the absence of my physical presence.  I am reminded that the work and love that I have put into parenting them has built the foundation for them to learn who they are as individuals.  It is without me hovering that they have both learned new things about themselves and mastered new skills.  My little one plays soccer skillfully for his age…I had nothing to do with this…well, I was his ride to practice and back.  My big boy has successfully navigated much of our surrounding area on his bike…alone!  Imagine these boys find their way without their mom watching every moment!  Sometimes, I seriously need to let it go and remember the gifts and skills they will learn.  They know where I am.  They have back up plans.  Hopefully this summer will be a time of growth for all three of us…mommy included.  “Everything is in divine and perfect order…NOW!”

I am also facing changes professionally again.  Right now, I have a wonderful opportunity to work with the skills I have nurtured and worked so hard to achieve.  Here’s the rub though…it is in a totally different environment.  Not only will I be a part of hands on, experiential learning with children…I will be doing it in a totally new environment.  I get to continue to the work I love while learning about the natural world in a new way.  I got to go in the enclosure with an 800lb Galapagos Tortoise and see many animals I’ve only seen from a safe distance up close and personal…feeding them, touching them, and being amazed by their beauty!  I remind myself that this is an experience not everyone will have.   I get to work with behavioral enrichment of children and wild animals!  What a gift!  This past week, I have been burdening myself with the worries of how it will all work rather than living in the wonderment of the amazing things I will receive from the new people around me and the way my gifts may touch their lives.  “Everything is in divine and perfect order…NOW!”

I have also been lonely.  All of these changes have also reminded me of the successes I have achieved over the past months.  For me, many times the successes feel more shallow without someone to share them with…I know I have my kids, family, and friends…and I do share with them…but it’s different when there is someone in my life who desires me.  I was reminded what it felt like to be desired again after many years and now it’s not there again.  So as I think of my mantra, I realize that although there may not be anyone there right now, I feel healthier and stronger physically now than I have in many years.  I have worked very hard the past six months to take care of myself physically. Over the years since Dave died, I neglected this part of me. I have pushed myself beyond my self-imposed boundaries and am reaping the benefits of my hard work.  It has reminded me that true outer beauty comes from the confidence I have in myself and how comfortable I am in my own skin.  The strengthening of my body has strengthened my confidence again.  I know that as long as my heart is open and am patient, someone will find me attractive and once again, I will be desired for all that I am, with all my strengths, my challenges, my compassion, and even my baggage.  “Everything is divine and perfect order…NOW!”

So today, I can see my life though this perspective.  I am grateful.  I know that I can see things this way because I did experience a couple of weeks off balance and searching.  I know that both sides are there to add depth to my life.  When I give both sides the time and energy they deserve, but don’t get lost in the sadness endlessly, I grow.  Those moments of loneliness, feeling lost, feeling the lack help me shift perspective, become more resourceful, and experience gratitude for what I do have in a new way.

“Everything is in divine and perfect order…NOW!”